How Much of Your Life Is Actually Yours? Exploring Identity and Expectations
I touched on this in my previous blog, where I explored how much of ourselves we leave behind in order to fit in. How often do we dilute parts of our personality, culture or identity to feel accepted in certain spaces?
I like R&B, soul, reggae, soulful dance music and I'm a big garage head. You might even find me at the odd rave!
As a Black woman, my culture is a massive part of who I am, and something I'm proud of. Yet I've often felt that some spaces only want to see the version of you that fits their expectations. The version that adapts, blends in and knows how to behave.
Don't show too much humour. Keep it professional. Be the problem solver, even when you're struggling yourself. Be mindful of how much of your culture you bring into the room. Dress a certain way to be considered credible.
The list goes on. But who decides what is acceptable?
And what happens when you spend so much time thinking about how you sound, how you look, what you say and which parts of yourself are appropriate in different environments?
It takes energy.
After a while, you can become so used to adapting that you stop noticing how much of yourself you're leaving at the door.
I don't want to spend my life becoming a more acceptable version of myself. I want to be able to bring all of me into the room.
But this got me thinking about something bigger.
How much of our lives is actually shaped by what we want, and how much is influenced by what we have been taught, expected or conditioned to believe we should want?
Our identities don't develop in isolation
We often talk about identity as though it's something we simply discover within ourselves. But who we become is influenced by much more than our individual personalities.
Think about the environment you grew up in. Your family, culture, community, education, friendships and the messages you received about what was expected of you.
From an early age, we learn what is considered acceptable behaviour, what success looks like, how we should treat others and what our responsibilities are.
Some of these messages are spoken openly. Others are picked up through observation.
You might have grown up hearing that you should get a good job, settle down, buy a house and start a family. Perhaps you were taught that certain careers were more respectable than others, that you should always put family first or that showing emotion was a sign of weakness.
These messages can become part of how we measure ourselves. We might pursue a particular career because it is considered successful. Stay in a relationship because that's what is expected. Take on responsibilities because we have always been the dependable one.
And sometimes, we don't stop to question whether these things are what we actually want.
Our choices might feel entirely personal, but they're rarely made in isolation. The society we grow up in, the people around us and the expectations placed upon us all play a part in shaping what we believe is possible, acceptable and even desirable.
Who sets the expectations?
Expectations are everywhere.
They exist within families, workplaces, communities, institutions and wider society. They influence how we are expected to behave, the roles we take on and the opportunities available to us.
But expectations aren't experienced equally. Our gender, race, class, age, culture and social circumstances can all influence how others perceive us and what is expected of us.
For example, two people might walk into the same workplace with the same qualifications and experience, but their behaviour may be interpreted differently.
One person may be described as confident, while another is considered outspoken. One may be seen as assertive, while another is labelled difficult.
The behaviour itself may not be particularly different. The way it is interpreted can be.
This raises an important question: are we always adapting because we want to, or are we adapting because the environment makes it easier for us to do so?
We often place the responsibility on individuals to fit in, develop confidence and learn how to navigate different spaces.
But how often do we question the spaces themselves?
Why should someone have to minimise their personality, culture or identity to be considered professional, credible or capable?
And who benefits when people feel they have to change themselves to belong?
The roles we play and the expectations attached to them
As we move through life, we take on different roles. We might be a daughter, mother, partner, friend, employee, business owner, grandparent or carer.
Each role can bring expectations about how we should behave and what we should prioritise.
Being a mother, for example, can come with the expectation that your children's needs should always come first. Being a dependable friend can mean becoming the person everyone turns to, even when you need support yourself.
And when you become known as the strong one, the responsible one or the person who always gets things done, it can be difficult to step outside that identity.
These expectations aren't necessarily imposed with bad intentions. Sometimes they develop through family traditions, relationships and the way responsibilities are shared.
But they can still influence how we see ourselves and how much freedom we feel we have to do something differently.
Life transitions can bring this into sharper focus.
Motherhood, children leaving home, bereavement, relationship breakdown, illness, retirement or changes in employment can all disrupt the roles we have become accustomed to.
When a role changes or disappears, we can find ourselves asking:
Who am I now?
What do I enjoy?
What do I want?
And perhaps most importantly, what does this next chapter look like if I allow myself to question some of the expectations I've carried?
Are you living by choice or expectation?
I'm not suggesting that everything we've been taught is wrong or that we should abandon our responsibilities.
Our families, cultures and communities can give us belonging, purpose, values and a strong sense of identity. Many of the expectations we carry are connected to things we genuinely believe in.
The important thing is being able to recognise the difference between what matters to us and what we feel obliged to do.
Sometimes the two are closely connected. At other times, we might discover that we've been following a path without ever really questioning it.
Consider some of the things you do regularly.
Do you say yes because you genuinely want to, or because you don't want to disappoint someone?
Do you pursue certain goals because they matter to you, or because they represent what success is supposed to look like?
Do you feel comfortable expressing your opinions, personality and interests in different environments?
Are there parts of yourself that you only share with certain people?
These questions aren't about finding fault with ourselves. They're about recognising the influences around us and understanding how they shape our decisions.
Having a choice is one thing. Feeling that you have the freedom to exercise that choice is another.
Five ways to start questioning the expectations you carry
You don't need to make dramatic changes or turn your life upside down. Sometimes the first step is simply becoming more aware of what's influencing you.
1. Pay attention to the language you use
Notice how often you say, "I should", "I ought to" or "I have to". These phrases can reveal expectations that we've accepted without questioning. Ask yourself whether the responsibility is genuinely yours or whether you've simply become accustomed to carrying it.
2. Think about where the expectation came from
Was it something you learned growing up? A family belief? A workplace culture? A message from society about what success, relationships or adulthood should look like?
Understanding where an expectation comes from can help you decide whether it still has a place in your life.
3. Look at the roles you play
Think about the different roles you occupy and what each one asks of you. Which roles bring you fulfilment? Which ones feel restrictive? Are there expectations attached to those roles that you've never really questioned?
4. Give yourself permission to explore different interests
Sometimes we become so identified with our responsibilities that we lose touch with the things we enjoy.
You might have interests you've put aside, places you've wanted to visit or things you've always wanted to try.
They don't have to be productive, profitable or useful to anyone else. Enjoyment has value too.
5. Recognise the choices available to you
Not everyone has the same freedom, resources or circumstances. Some expectations are difficult to challenge because of financial pressures, caring responsibilities, discrimination or other barriers.
Be honest about your circumstances. Then consider whether there are smaller choices you can make that give you a little more room to be yourself.
A little space to reflect
We've explored some of the expectations that can shape how we see ourselves and the roles we play in everyday life.
Sometimes, simply taking a moment to pause and consider what matters to us can open up a different perspective.
You don't need to have all the answers. You just need to give yourself permission to ask the questions.
Your story is still being written
I think we need to have more conversations about the relationship between our individual choices and the society we live in.
It's easy to tell people to be confident, follow their dreams or stop worrying about what others think. But that doesn't always acknowledge the social expectations, pressures and barriers that influence how people experience life.
We need to look beyond the individual and consider the environments, relationships and structures that shape our experiences.
At the same time, understanding those influences gives us an opportunity to question them.
We can appreciate where we come from without feeling that we have to remain exactly where we started. We can value our responsibilities without allowing them to become our entire identity. We can respect other people's expectations without automatically making them our own.
Our experiences will always influence our stories, but they don't have to determine every chapter.
And perhaps that's where we start: by becoming a little more curious about the choices we make, the expectations we carry and the parts of ourselves we might have forgotten to make room for.
If nobody had an expectation of you, what might you choose to do differently?
Want to explore that question a little further?
We've looked at how expectations, experiences and the world around us can influence the choices we make.
But what do you actually want? Not what your family expects, what society considers successful or what everyone else is doing. What matters to you?
Build Your Journal: What Do I Actually Want? is designed to help you explore that question. It includes 18 carefully written reflection prompts, a wordsearch and an audio-guided experience to help you pause, think and get started.
It's a little space to focus on your own wants, priorities and aspirations.
Explore It. Express It. Write It.
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